If you must ring in the new year, do it in style for God’s sake.

5. Strip down.

4. Don’t just drink - drink and be an asshole.

3. Throw up in doors.

2. Look your drinking problem squarely in the face - and finally stop caring.

1. Admit to yourself and others that you are the man.

______________________________________

You can thank me later.

Nothing’s worse than having a contemplative moment while others are kissing at the stroke of midnight.

You’ve been there:

“Maybe I shouldn’t laugh at people who walk funny.”

“Maybe if finished school I could leave my soul crushing dead end job.”

You’ve successfully avoided common sense the other three hundred and sixty four days of the year. DON’T FALL PREY TO IT NOW!

EXT. ROAD. NIGHT

Jon looks around as he’s driving. He turns the wheel and pulls off the road.

BIG BOY PARKING LOT. NIGHT

He stops his car to look in a picture window. Kids are hanging out inside. A girl jumps in his car beside him. He’s startled.

Jon
JoanneJoanne
(Smiling)
You’re stalking me.

JON
I’ve just been watching everything that you do and picking up anything that you might leave behind.

Joanne
(Taunting)
You’re obsessed with me.

JON
I just want to eat you so we’ll be closer together.

JOANNE
I heard you’re seeing that Heather girl.

JON
Who’s been saying that?

JOANNE
Heather.
She said you beat the shit out of her in a padded room.

JON
That never happened.

JOANNE
Why are you all muddy?

JON
I’ve been working with a dog.
What’s with all these fuckin’ questions?

JOANNE
What’s with trying to kidnap my little brother?

JON
He reminds me of you.

Girls file along side the car next to them. They’re talking and giggling.

JOANNE
I’m riding with them.
(Getting out)
See ya Jon!Jon
See ya Joanne.

PHONE RINGS He picks up with out looking at it.

MOM (O.S.)
What’s with hangin’ up on me mister?

JON
We got disconnected.
(Clicking phone off)

Maybe it’s time you checked it out again.

Man, I ummm, MIGHT just have a subscription to Sci Fi magazine. And I saw a picture of the Microsoft Zune. I’d never buy one but damn if it doesn’t look cool! It reminds me of how the future is supposed to be: all brown and decayed. Why do we have to strive for a safe Star Trek future?

The Zune is from a Blade Runner future. And from now on, that’s the future I’m going to be from to.

JON THE OBSESSIVE JANITOR - THE HIGH SCHOOL YEARS PART FOUR!

SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD. NIGHT

Jon cruises with the window down.

A dog is lying in the road. His car rolls to a stop.

CUT TO:

He stands over the animal. It looks up at him. He takes his shirt off and wraps it around his arm. He pets it with his padded arm.

The dog slowly gets up.

The sound of a backward voice whispers: “COME ON.”

It walks towards a farmer’s woods between the houses. It turns back and looks at him.

Jon trails behind with his car left in the middle of the road.

WOODS. NIGHT

They enter into the woods.

CUT TO:

Jon sits on a cement drain. The dog comes over to him.

JON
I thought I was saving you.

PHONE RINGS.

Jon hits the button and puts the phone to his ear.

MOM (Off Screen)
Jon?JON
Yeah

MOM
Mrs. Culvert said your car was abandoned in the middle of the road.

JON
(Inhaling)
There’s some truth to that.

MOM
Where are you? And why is the den covered in mattresses?

JON
I’m in the woods. And I had a date.

His mother continues to talk and he clicks off the phone.

JON
(Standing)
I gotta go.

The dog lies down.

JON
Are you gonna be around? Like to talk to?

The dog blinks one eye. MAGICAL CHIME SOUND.

BOY
(Relieved)
I could use it.

Where you see the tall grass - I see an epicenter. Where you see a babbling brook - I see destruction.

Hey everybody sorry about being gone for a couple days. I’m busy learning about the stock market.

My stomach’s still not hungry. It’s been asleep at the wheel for about two weeks runnin’. If I had medical coverage I’d go see a doctor. But soon I’ll be so rich I won’t need one - a stomach that is.

Fuck you mortality! I’m gonna be part robot - all man.

Ummm if you’d like to be in a movie or help on the set of a movie (who wouldn’t?) drop me a line here.

This January the powers that be, or “the man” if you will, are letting me film Test Anxiety. So if you wanna be a part of that, and I’d like you to be, shoot me a parcel of the electronic mail - or email as the kids call it.

And remember you can put ANY film work you get on your resume.

_____________________________________________________________

Hey it’s no secret that I’m obsessed with Jon the obsessive janitor. But what might be a secret is how good this next script about him is turning out. But that’s about to change.

TOMORROW!

JON THE OBSESSIVE JANITOR - THE HIGH SCHOOL YEARS!!

Jon the obsessive janitor is one of those characters that’s really caught fire.

Yesterday I was so excited about what I was writing I almost called my dad just to tell him: “My writing’s better than it’s ever been!” And then hang up.

But, in every life a little rain must fall. I think I left the first couple pages of a rim job scene at work. L

Here’s to hoping I get to those pages before my boss.

__________________________________

Best of luck chasin’ the little fuckers around.

When I was a kid I couldn’t go any where without my action figures. I could escape everything just by having one with me to stare at. My brain would feel completely at peace.

I’d imagine the little soldier going to the grocery store. I’d imagine him getting in a fight with his plastic wife. He’d explain that he was working a lot of hours and that “he just needed to fuckin’ unwind”.

I never cared about Army missions. Or if there were battles I’d be concerned with the more emotional aspects of the troops.

Cobra Commander: I just can’t do it any more.
Snake Eyes: It’s okay man.
Cobra Commander: NO IT’S NOT OKAY!
Snake Eyes: Easy man! EASY! :: hugging him ::
Cobra Commander: I’ve seen too much!

I always wished the action figures would be just regular people.
“Joe the Waiter” with depressive tendencies! or “Sandra the Single Mom” with cigarette lighting action! - Would have been fine with me.

I was interested in the human story. Sure the characters in my world could blow things up. But that paled in comparison to playing in a rock band or going skiing.

Sometimes I’d tie string to the men and pretend they were mountaineers. I could hook their cupped hands in the bricks of our fire place. After an hour they’d all be clinging to the side of it. I really admired their courage.

A base camp would have been nice. But they just didn’t have that luxury. They’d have to keep struggling until they got to the mantle.

If they all happened to fall I could see their red insides. It would be an explosion of flesh and bone. The impact would be a quick, messy death. If a man was left - I’d make sure he dangled, looking down at his friends.

Survivor: Oh… OH CHRIST! :: puking from high above :: I’M GOING TO HELL JUST FOR SEEING THIS!!! I WISH I WERE DEAD!!

I’d whisper the man’s cries.

Much like I whisper when I type.

And I’m awake with a stomach virus. My tummy feels like it has a rock in it. I haven’t had more than chips and ginger ale in days.

I keep picturing it as cancer. But everyone says that’s unlikely.

As I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling - I’m thinking about my will.

I here by bequeath my girl friend to my friend David. She like to party and smoke so I am enclosing funds for cigarettes and light American beer.

…The rest of the will is kind of boring compared to that. But it did get me thinking about being rich.

Things I’ll do when I’m rich:

1.) Bronze a horse.

2.) Kill Tony Danza

3.) Have bionic legs.

4.) Live on a hovercraft made of coke.

5.) Go to the moon with Tiger woods.

6.) Have bear claws instead of hands. The furry ones not the pastry.

7.) Live forever.

Their’s a portal in my asshole that leads to brown gold. But you don’t want to hear about that, you want to hear about how great this country is. Well go U.S.A!

____________________

Jazz hands - big finish.

I struggle day by day with money. If only I got these t-shirts out to main stream America. I’d have my own jet that I could throw white children out of.